What's the EU ever done for us?

WHAT’S THE EU EVER DONE FOR US?

We get in through the underground heating system here... up through to the main audience chamber here... and Merkel’s bedroom is here. Having grabbed her husband, we inform Merkel that he is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

Bob:

What exactly are the demands?

Reg:

We're giving them two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the EU Imperialist State and if she doesn't agree immediately we execute him.

Jeff:

Cut his head off?

Francis:

Cut all his bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour... show him we're not to be trifled with.

Reg:

Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of Boris Johnson with his bits hanging out.

Stan:

What? They'll never agree to that, Reg.

Reg:

That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop him up, and... that we shall not submit to blackmail.

Sam:

(Applause) No blackmail!

Reg:

They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.

Stan:

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

Reg:

Yes.

Stan:

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

Reg:

All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?

PAUSE

Bob:

Crossing borders is easier on holiday.

Reg:

Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.

Masked Activist:

And clean beanches!

Stan:

Oh yes... clean beaches, Reg, you remember what the beaches used to be like.

Reg:

All right, I'll grant you that easy border crossing and clean beaches are two things that the EU has done...

Jeff:

And lower interest rates...

Reg:

(sharply) Well yes obviously the interest rates... the interest rates go without saying. But apart from easy border crossing, clean beaches and low interest rates...

Another Masked Activist:

Lower mobile roaming charges...

Other Masked Voices:

Lower car pollution... Equal opportunities... Free Health care abroad... Regional investments in Wales and Merseyside …Imposed sanctions on Russia.

Reg:

Yes... all right, fair enough...

Activist Near Front:

And you can go and work anywhere in Europe...and they’ve reduced corruption in the South.

Sam:

Oh yes! True!

Francis:

Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if we left the EU, Reg.

Activists at Back:

Cheaper flights! 

Protected fish stocks!

Easier to sell stuff abroad!

Stan:

And our police can arrest criminals in other countries so it's safer to walk in the streets at night now.

Francis:

Yes, they certainly know how to keep order... (general nodding)... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this.

(more general murmurs of agreement)

Reg:

All right... all right... but apart from cleaner beaches, easy border crossing on holiday and low interest rates, reduced corruption, safer streets, free health care, working anywhere you like, regional investment in Wales and Merseyside, lower car pollution, imposing sanctions on Russia, easier to sell stuff abroad, cheaper and safer flights, protected fish stocks and equal opportunities..........

what has the EU done for us?

Bob:

Brought peace!

Reg:

(very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all) What!? Oh... (scornfully) Peace, yes... shut up!